self-realization.

this past weekend we drove to AZ to visit Ivo's parents
for Thanksgiving.

it was M's first time there, and also our first time 
staying at someone's home while vacationing with her.

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i'm going to be completely honest,
it was really hard for me.

i realize how much of a control-freak i am.
we have a perfectly controlled environment.

she's fed only organic, plain, fruits and veggies,
she doesn't have access to any of the icky, dangerous plastics,
we don't use chemicals while cleaning,
our sheets are washed with chemical-free homemade detergent,
we don't use fabric softener (which, we just discovered she's allergic to)
i wash every new toy, cloth, or doll before she's able to play with it.
everything is controlled, and i feel confident that i'm keeping her
as safe as possible and chemical-free.

in someone else's house, it's a different story.
i cannot control the food they eat or what they use to clean.
it's a little unnerving. 

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side note - this is all new.  i've never been a super clean person,
or really all that careful with how i would eat.
but, over the past couple of years and certainly since M was born,
it's gotten crazy.
i guess the constant updates on my twitter feed
from healthy child healthy world don't help. ;)

with M and her BLW, we've been meticulous about what she eats.
100% organic, and cooked without adding anything.
on thanksgiving, while i was eating, my MIL dipped her finger in candied yams 
(with lots of sugar and walnuts) 
and put it in M's mouth.
i could have started crying right there on the spot.
of course, i said something. 
i know my MIL didn't mean any harm,
and really thought it was no big deal to give a baby yams.
but, sugar and nuts?! 
not okay with me!
i feel like my sweet girl has been tainted.

the whole time i just felt really out of control.
it was such an uncomfortable feeling.

and, it has nothing to do with my in-law's. 
they're living their lives how they feel comfortable.
it's me.
their home is always extremely clean, the food they cook is amazing,
and they are so loving to all of us.
it's just different from the way we do things.

so, what's the conclusion?
we can't just lock ourselves in our home and only have people come to us.
(as amazing as that sounds. ha!)
i know that M will not always eat 100% organic food,
or be sheltered from harmful chemicals.
i guess i have to let go a little.
but, it's so hard.


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i guess i'll sleep well at night knowing that i CAN control all of these things for now.
and, every now and then i will feel uncomfortable and we will be in situations that aren't ideal,
but, that's life.

and, in the end she will be okay.

i just need to work on my craziness.

xo